Left off passed out in Emily's (not my future wife, another one) bathroom, vomit everywhere, having not been contained by my shoe. At some point my brother moved me to the couch. Also, one of her roommates woke up at an ungodly hour of the morning to clean the bathroom so that I would feel like a total jerk when I finally woke up.
When I did, my bro and I went to City Docks for some coffee smoothies. We were both pretty pleased with ourselves. I could only wear one shoe of course, and held the puke-shoe in my hands outside while Charles bought the drinks. Then we started walking to Sterling's place. About halfway through our drinks, we both decided to pull the trigger a few times, to see if that would really push us over the edge back into 'feeling great' territory. It was a resounding success. Cold, beige vomit flew from our throats as we shoved our hands down our mouths, sweating, crying, shirts unbuttoned, one-shoe-ed, somewhere along one of those charming streets in downtown Annapolis.
Eventually we had emptied ourselves and made it to Sterling's. I may or may not have puked one more time there. I used his hose to get my shoe back into shape, and I'm proud to stay they're a reliable pair to this day.
Monday, January 17, 2011
Return to Form
I was recently belatedly made aware that my blog was mentioned in another blog and some very kind things were said about it. It happened here: http://spanielfortwo.blogspot.com/. Now I am newly re-aware of my responsibility to share all of my memories of the voms I have known.
Fan, friend, and likely latent emetophile Sterling once commented, "remember when you puked in your shoe at me and aldens apartment? back porch style". I remember something like that...
My brother and I had driven into Annapolis yet again to party with some of the gentle folk of his Alma Mater. We kicked it at the abode of a young lady and her friend, wherein I shotgunned a bunch of beer, and passed out on the couch. In the early hours of the AM I awoke, confused, sweaty and heavily nauseated. I had done myself a great disservice, having failed to properly reconnoiter my surroundings. All I had made myself familiar with were the living room and kitchen. While the kitchen-sink vom is a classic (see 'In the Hills of North Berkeley', among others), I didn't feel that I
A. knew and was well-enough liked by the people who lived here to do this or
B. was unknown and completely untraceable by the people who lived here to get away with it
The first rule of a smooth vom is to use what you have. This could mean puking down your shirt (see 'Berlin Metro'), puking into an empty glass (see 'Wedding Night Jitters?'), or even puking down your pants (I'm sure I've done this too). With a little quick thinking, I bolted upright, ripped my shoe off and starting blasting vomit down the foot-hole.
Unfortunately I only had one shoe on and had no idea where the other was. It was too dark to search. Temporary holding measures had been executed, the shoe was full, and now it was time to find a real receptacle. To the bathroom!
I leaped up from the couch to the bathroom, but it was locked so I just puked all over the door.
But it turns out that that was actually our host's bedroom door. Confused and disgruntled, she opened the door and re-directed my energies to the real bathroom. I messily vomited all over the room and passed out.
TO BE CONTINUED...
Fan, friend, and likely latent emetophile Sterling once commented, "remember when you puked in your shoe at me and aldens apartment? back porch style". I remember something like that...
My brother and I had driven into Annapolis yet again to party with some of the gentle folk of his Alma Mater. We kicked it at the abode of a young lady and her friend, wherein I shotgunned a bunch of beer, and passed out on the couch. In the early hours of the AM I awoke, confused, sweaty and heavily nauseated. I had done myself a great disservice, having failed to properly reconnoiter my surroundings. All I had made myself familiar with were the living room and kitchen. While the kitchen-sink vom is a classic (see 'In the Hills of North Berkeley', among others), I didn't feel that I
A. knew and was well-enough liked by the people who lived here to do this or
B. was unknown and completely untraceable by the people who lived here to get away with it
The first rule of a smooth vom is to use what you have. This could mean puking down your shirt (see 'Berlin Metro'), puking into an empty glass (see 'Wedding Night Jitters?'), or even puking down your pants (I'm sure I've done this too). With a little quick thinking, I bolted upright, ripped my shoe off and starting blasting vomit down the foot-hole.
Unfortunately I only had one shoe on and had no idea where the other was. It was too dark to search. Temporary holding measures had been executed, the shoe was full, and now it was time to find a real receptacle. To the bathroom!
I leaped up from the couch to the bathroom, but it was locked so I just puked all over the door.
But it turns out that that was actually our host's bedroom door. Confused and disgruntled, she opened the door and re-directed my energies to the real bathroom. I messily vomited all over the room and passed out.
TO BE CONTINUED...
Friday, September 10, 2010
Fruit-Salad Friday
It was super hot out on the flight-line today. I was dehydrated, my head was killing me, I was exhausted, and I was sucking at flying. So as soon as I got back to base, I hurried home so that I could complain about it all to Emily. But she had left already for her evening class.
I chugged as much water as I could and then started rifling through the fridge. My head was pounding, and usually when my head hurts bad enough I get nauseous; it's just the way I am. I figured, "if I eat a bunch of healthy fruit and drunk water my stomach will feel better, and I'll take a shower because that will make me feel better, and then everything will be OK".
So I ate a bunch of cantaloupe, some honeydew, plenty of grapes, and washed it down with some pineapple juice because that's tastier than water. Took a shower, sat down at the computer to go into a mental dead-zone, and then ran to the bathroom and threw up a ton of fruit.
It actually smelled really nice, and I felt pretty bad about wasting all that tasty stuff. Ideally after vomiting, I would whine to my wife and ask her to do things for me. But she's not home, so I just eat aspirin and sit on the couch alone. Blogging the pain away.
I chugged as much water as I could and then started rifling through the fridge. My head was pounding, and usually when my head hurts bad enough I get nauseous; it's just the way I am. I figured, "if I eat a bunch of healthy fruit and drunk water my stomach will feel better, and I'll take a shower because that will make me feel better, and then everything will be OK".
So I ate a bunch of cantaloupe, some honeydew, plenty of grapes, and washed it down with some pineapple juice because that's tastier than water. Took a shower, sat down at the computer to go into a mental dead-zone, and then ran to the bathroom and threw up a ton of fruit.
It actually smelled really nice, and I felt pretty bad about wasting all that tasty stuff. Ideally after vomiting, I would whine to my wife and ask her to do things for me. But she's not home, so I just eat aspirin and sit on the couch alone. Blogging the pain away.
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Typical Friday in Enterprise
Went to some bars with a few buddies from flight school a few Fridays ago.
The first bar was awful. There aren't a ton of options down here in Enterprise, Alabama, and we wanted to hear some live music. The best way to describe the band is that they did an awesome cover of "Scotty Doesn't Know". Like everything else here, drink was super cheap. I would put average age in the at 40, and average hotness of the babes at about a 3.
My man John is trying to make a move at the one remotely decent looking girl, (about 35 years old) in the place, and I cover his flank by conversing with her ogre-like redheaded friend. It sucked, but if you thought about how much it sucked and drank, it was awesome.
So we definitely leave, and we are wasted. Walking down the street to another bar, by the side of a typical New South bypass of fast food and tire shops. We are all too drunk to be able to go into the bar, I carry John a block, he keeps sitting on the ground or grabbing my butt, I push out a few voms behind some bushes. Probably about a 3 mile walk. At one point I fell over in the middle of the street.
My other friend Matt tucks me in on the couch, but I can't sleep so I watch some music videos on BET and drink some more Coors. Then I don't feel good at all. Haven't eaten much though, so when its time to execute my moves, I know that things are going to be intense.
From about 0600 to 0930 I was forcing out bile, sweating profusely, and then getting really cold. Matt came down around then, I got dressed, wretched the last slob of green glop out, and he drove me back on post. Spent the rest of the day completely not doing anything.
The first bar was awful. There aren't a ton of options down here in Enterprise, Alabama, and we wanted to hear some live music. The best way to describe the band is that they did an awesome cover of "Scotty Doesn't Know". Like everything else here, drink was super cheap. I would put average age in the at 40, and average hotness of the babes at about a 3.
My man John is trying to make a move at the one remotely decent looking girl, (about 35 years old) in the place, and I cover his flank by conversing with her ogre-like redheaded friend. It sucked, but if you thought about how much it sucked and drank, it was awesome.
So we definitely leave, and we are wasted. Walking down the street to another bar, by the side of a typical New South bypass of fast food and tire shops. We are all too drunk to be able to go into the bar, I carry John a block, he keeps sitting on the ground or grabbing my butt, I push out a few voms behind some bushes. Probably about a 3 mile walk. At one point I fell over in the middle of the street.
My other friend Matt tucks me in on the couch, but I can't sleep so I watch some music videos on BET and drink some more Coors. Then I don't feel good at all. Haven't eaten much though, so when its time to execute my moves, I know that things are going to be intense.
From about 0600 to 0930 I was forcing out bile, sweating profusely, and then getting really cold. Matt came down around then, I got dressed, wretched the last slob of green glop out, and he drove me back on post. Spent the rest of the day completely not doing anything.
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Wedding night jitters?
Unlike the last wedding I was a part of, I very happily did not vomit the morning of my own wedding. The night, however, will be of more interest to you, dear readers.
The day was literally the best day of my life, great ceremony, awesome celebration. The reception was in the afternoon, so when it ended there was time for a nap and then a big party evening. The younger folks hit the bars of Alexandria, which is where our tale begins.
My wife and I roll up fashionably late to the bar where the party has congregated. The joint is hopping, the band is jamming, our friends are yelling and the drinks are flying. As the groom, a lot of them were flying to me. First things first my God-brother John orders a round of whiskey shots. I'm into it, but not naive.
We throw em back, slam em down, probably high-five or something, and that's that. Or is it? The tell-tale signs appear. The burp. The gag. The hold-it-in-the-throat belch. There's no way I could make it through the crowd on the dance-floor to the bathroom in time. An vomateur would probably panic and spray all over the masses of people.
But I am like a puke MacGyver; this is too easy. Grab an empty pint glass. Bend over like just another guy tying his shoe at the bar. The drink slams right up into the glass, fills up to just below the top. Put the glass on the floor and push it as far out of the way as possible. Consider yourself primed to party.
Only my wife noticed, and she loved it. More shots, please!
The day was literally the best day of my life, great ceremony, awesome celebration. The reception was in the afternoon, so when it ended there was time for a nap and then a big party evening. The younger folks hit the bars of Alexandria, which is where our tale begins.
My wife and I roll up fashionably late to the bar where the party has congregated. The joint is hopping, the band is jamming, our friends are yelling and the drinks are flying. As the groom, a lot of them were flying to me. First things first my God-brother John orders a round of whiskey shots. I'm into it, but not naive.
We throw em back, slam em down, probably high-five or something, and that's that. Or is it? The tell-tale signs appear. The burp. The gag. The hold-it-in-the-throat belch. There's no way I could make it through the crowd on the dance-floor to the bathroom in time. An vomateur would probably panic and spray all over the masses of people.
But I am like a puke MacGyver; this is too easy. Grab an empty pint glass. Bend over like just another guy tying his shoe at the bar. The drink slams right up into the glass, fills up to just below the top. Put the glass on the floor and push it as far out of the way as possible. Consider yourself primed to party.
Only my wife noticed, and she loved it. More shots, please!
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Two of a kind.
Relatively recently, my fiancee was working at a conference at a hotel in the Woodley Park part of town. I was going to meet her after work, so this seemed like a perfect opportunity to hit up the awesome national zoo.
I checked out the new Asia Trail, disappointing. No animals anywhere. It was still kind of cold out and gray, so I suppose they were all in winter storage or something. Checked out the small mammals house, but more out of obligation than interest. I was lucky enough to catch the 3-toed sloth rocking out, eating stuff and moving around, which was incredible. Truly a hypnotic beast.
So I headed on into the the great ape building. The first thing to hit you in there is always the smell. I was digging the gorillas, not a lot of action, but it is awesome how big they are.
Hoping for a little more excitement, I walked across the hall to the orangutans. Good call, Tom. A jolly looking female was poking at some pieces of hay in the corner. She looked up when I approached, met my eyes, threw her hands up to the sky and lumbered over. With only the thick, clear, plastic between us, it felt like I was visiting a friend in prison.
A friend who promptly threw up at me. Upon reaching me, she spouted a huge glob of half-digested goop onto the see-through wall and ground. I was really proud, and felt honored to have been called upon to witness this personal moment so intimately. I have a picture of her right after she puked on my cellphone, but I can't figure out how to put it onto the computer.
I checked out the new Asia Trail, disappointing. No animals anywhere. It was still kind of cold out and gray, so I suppose they were all in winter storage or something. Checked out the small mammals house, but more out of obligation than interest. I was lucky enough to catch the 3-toed sloth rocking out, eating stuff and moving around, which was incredible. Truly a hypnotic beast.
So I headed on into the the great ape building. The first thing to hit you in there is always the smell. I was digging the gorillas, not a lot of action, but it is awesome how big they are.
Hoping for a little more excitement, I walked across the hall to the orangutans. Good call, Tom. A jolly looking female was poking at some pieces of hay in the corner. She looked up when I approached, met my eyes, threw her hands up to the sky and lumbered over. With only the thick, clear, plastic between us, it felt like I was visiting a friend in prison.
A friend who promptly threw up at me. Upon reaching me, she spouted a huge glob of half-digested goop onto the see-through wall and ground. I was really proud, and felt honored to have been called upon to witness this personal moment so intimately. I have a picture of her right after she puked on my cellphone, but I can't figure out how to put it onto the computer.
Monday, February 22, 2010
Arugula Bomb
Yesterday was a sweet party to celebrate my engagement, but I didn't puke. Sorry.
However, the night before I did. My cousin Walter was back, and he brought my brother Charles with him. When I got back from my stupid job at around 11:00, (yes, on a Friday night) I jumped onto the drinking wagon that they had set rolling with help from my roommate Alden. We gunned some, chugged some, played a card-guessing drinking game with a random-card generator from the internet, and hung out.
When my cousin and I lay down to sleep, I realized that I was wasted. I hadn't eaten, and my head was spinning. Classic drunk. Obviously, the only way to fix this was to eat. I hit the fridge; its either more beer of some of my cousin-roommate George's arugula. I ate a tasty bowl greens, laid down in bed for about one second, and then went to the bathroom and sprayed out a sloppy green mush somewhere near the toilet. "I'll clean it up tomorrow".
I definitely did not clean it up before going to work the next morning and when I got back home the problem had magically fixed itself! Thanks by the way cuz, sorry.
However, the night before I did. My cousin Walter was back, and he brought my brother Charles with him. When I got back from my stupid job at around 11:00, (yes, on a Friday night) I jumped onto the drinking wagon that they had set rolling with help from my roommate Alden. We gunned some, chugged some, played a card-guessing drinking game with a random-card generator from the internet, and hung out.
When my cousin and I lay down to sleep, I realized that I was wasted. I hadn't eaten, and my head was spinning. Classic drunk. Obviously, the only way to fix this was to eat. I hit the fridge; its either more beer of some of my cousin-roommate George's arugula. I ate a tasty bowl greens, laid down in bed for about one second, and then went to the bathroom and sprayed out a sloppy green mush somewhere near the toilet. "I'll clean it up tomorrow".
I definitely did not clean it up before going to work the next morning and when I got back home the problem had magically fixed itself! Thanks by the way cuz, sorry.
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